Raindrops and candlelight
The rain was so heavy and unyielding tonight it almost overpowered my tunes. I certainly didn’t mind it though, it gave me a reason to stay inside and get a good meal cooked. And a relaxing night it was.
I placed the ground beef in the fryer on low and popped open a beer, which I don’t really drink much of anymore but had a few left over, so figured what the hell. Lit a few candles, turned on the Christmas tree lights and some low music in the background. The kitchen was fully lit, the rest of the place illuminated only by the Christmas tree and burning candles.
How I do love to cook. That is, when not under pressure to cook. Preparing a good meal is relaxing to me; it releases my mind from other thoughts and almost provides a certain sense of purpose. I won’t claim to be the best cook out there, for sure – but there are a handful of dishes that I’ve perfected, at least in my own eyes. Who says you have to be an expert at something to enjoy it, anyway? My favorite meal to prepare would be the spaghetti I cooked tonight. Since I now add the ingredients that I like, such as onions, peppers, diced tomatoes, and various spices including my cayenne, the dish is so very tasty. Chopping those onions and peppers seemed almost therapeutic.
As I looked around me, I took a sip of my beer and remembered how very lucky I was to have all this. The very simple things. To come home from work, kick my shoes off in my warm dry place. To have food to cook, beer to drink. Electricity, a nice hot shower after I eat. Relaxing while listening to the rain outside, warm candlelight glowing – I’m feeling blessed. Looking around myself and my surroundings, I remember to be ever so thankful for them.
Decorating for one
For the second year, my little artificial tree looks good decorated. I remember when I bought it last December, the first Christmas on ‘my own’. My daughter had insisted I get a tree – even threatening to buy one for me and bring it over, so my hand was forced in putting one up. I made the trip to the local Walmart and picked out the least expensive artificial tree I could find. At least it matched my height – I didn’t want one shorter than me. As I tracked around browsing the different trees, the fact seemed to rush me that I was the only single person in that section. This particular evening, all the couples seemed to be happy and laughing. I hurried to the checkout to pay for my purchase and was crying by the time I hit the parking lot. Yeah, pity party is right. Those came quite easily back then.
I look back to that day and compare where I’m at now. What’s changed? What’s remained the same?
It was never my ‘wish’ to be alone. It was something that had to happen – something that I was going to have to learn to deal with, and adjust to, period. The path proved to be a long one. Having been married my entire adult life, I had to face the task of acquainting myself with Bonnie. I had to learn to know her, realize her flaws, her weaknesses, as well as the good things, like her kindnesses and warmth. From this came being able to accept myself, then like myself. A long journey it was – but yes, finally came loving myself. The old saying happens to be true, that if you don’t love yourself, no one else can love you either. That’s the part that has changed since last December.
What hasn’t changed is the fact that I still live alone – which really isn’t so much of a hindrance anymore. My loved ones still remain all around me.
Oh, and as of yesterday, something else that has changed…. I’m now also the proud owner of a Christmas door wreath. 🙂
Danger ahead, matey…
I don’t understand life sometimes. Although I’m well aware that all of us are different, I simply fail to understand people’s rational on some decisions they make. Or, failure to make decisions.
I was advised a long long time ago ‘you’d better look out for yourself, because no one else is gonna do it’. That old saying is true in most cases. I say in most cases because, well, if you have someone in your life who really loves and cares for you deeply, THEY WILL look out for you. That’s how it’s supposed to work, anyway.
At times I feel the entire world is going nuts. Or, maybe it’s me that’s going nuts and everyone else is just sitting back watching the show. In any case – you cannot live other’s lives for them, nor can you interfere. Where’s the fine line between giving good advice and interfering? Who knows, and there again, everyone’s perception on this is different.
When it comes to a loved one, if you saw something disastrous lurking in the background, would you confront them with it? Warn them, try to give advice? If you were on the receiving end, would you as the loved one being warned actually heed the advice? Or perhaps take offense to it, perhaps thinking this person doesn’t believe you’re intelligent enough to handle your own problems – a problem that hasn’t even arisen yet anyway?
When you care a great deal for someone, the choice can be tough to warn of an inevitable danger that lies ahead or keep your mouth shut. If not prepared, when the inevitable does happen – your loved one usually ends up being caught in a tight spot with either time, money, or a combination of things NOT being on their side.
I’ve definitely had to learn the hard way myself on this. I’m sorry to say, even in recent times, that it’s taken me way longer than it should have to open my ears and listen, I mean really pay attention. I’ve had to take a crash course. My Mother and my Daughter have taught me more this past year than I could ever begin to write here. I have a Mother who is wise beyond her years and a Daughter who’s maturity for her age is amazing. Even having said this, do you know how hard it can be to take advice from your Mother and your Daughter? No offense to either of them, I love them both more than life itself. Once I started really listening, it became evident to them. It created a bond of mutual respect, and perhaps in turn, lent slightly more credibility to my own advice to them.
Bottom line, you don’t have to heed advice, any or all of it. But if the loved one that’s giving you the advice is reputable enough that you trust them, at least listen to them, instead of arguing your point from the very beginning. With your open ears, and open heart… just listen – and they will know you are listening.
But if, with your closed mind, you rebuke the person enough times – your message will have been delivered. Which is, what they have to say just isn’t worth listening to. The kind of damage this causes can be irreparable.
Thanksgiving Day
Thanksgiving. Work is done and now comes the reward – a four-day weekend. Here arrives the onset of all the holiday time off from work that has me spoiled by January, when everything’s over and schedules revert back to normal.
How I love Thanksgiving. The things I love about it? Most important would definitely be the quality time with family. I’ve gotta admit that all that good food runs a not-so-far-away second.
For years now, my favorite thing to do on Thanksgiving morning is to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in my jammies. That comes on in about an hour. I’ll then flip it over to the later parades, my very favorite being the one in Hawaii. I always imagine myself there in person watching it, hanging out underneath the palm trees, the warm tropical air brushing my skin. If I were to close my eyes during this imagery I’d even smell the coconuts and flowers, and taste the salt from the sea.
A Thanksgiving Day paper is mandatory. Last year I had to go without this precious commodity – well I wasn’t gonna let that happen again. I’ll be damned if I wasn’t up at the crack of dawn this morning to get one, and I scored. The infamous 3-inch thick Thanksgiving Day paper containing all the black Friday ads that we love to browse through while waiting on the feast to be served. Even if I can’t go out and shop, it’s a bit of a Thanksgiving tradition for me to browse through all those ads.
Thanksgiving also ushers in the irrefutable kickoff to the Christmas season, bringing with it that little rush of adrenaline. Oh, only a month now to get everything done! What to do….
I know what I’m doing. My plans of cooking were cancelled, being how my daughter and I are sick puppies. People don’t want to come over at a sick persons house to eat, understandably. I’ll just cook the turkey this weekend so as not to waste it. And today – I’ll watch my parades, browse through a bunch ‘o black Friday ads, sit around and count my many blessings, and take my babygirl out to eat at a nice restaurant tonight. We already have an awesome place picked out.
To Adore or Abhor
It seems like everybody else is doing one of these, so I figure why not me? Yeah, yeah you say… if your buddy jumps off a bridge are you gonna do it too? To which I respond, of course not. But maybe if I was guaranteed a soft landing, and the ride down looked enticing enough…..
Things I Like:
That first good whiff of a clean towel when I get out of the shower •• Daydreaming •• The smell of the beach, every little smell •• Seashells •• When a baby smiles at me – it’s the purest thing you’ll ever see •• Wrigley’s 5 gum •• Being told ‘I love you’ •• A very cold can of diet coke •• Fresh flowers •• Well-written love stories •• Time off from work •• Photography •• The first sip of a freshly opened bottle of white merlot •• The ocean, the lakes, the rivers •• Sunrises and sunsets •• Naps in the afternoons •• Big bright windows •• British accents •• Smeagol/Gollum •• Nostalgic moments •• Butterflies •• A few moments of true belly-laughter •• Payday •• Animals – and people who love them •• Flip flops •• Naturally funny people •• Hugs and kisses for no reason at all •• Long hot showers and baths •• Character •• The smell of fresh cut grass •• Writing •• Elderly people •• Annual Saturday sheet changes •• Jalapenos •• Rainy Sundays •• Witnessing a romantic moment •• Dissecting my dreams •• Gentlemen who hold the door open for me •• Finding God in unexpected places •• Manners •• Music that corresponds with my mood •• Witnessing acts of kindness •• The open road before me •• Sleeping in on weekends •• People-watching, minus the creepy •• Singing •• Baking during Christmas •• Being alone
Things I Dislike:
Drama of any flavor •• Parents that are bossed around by their kids •• An angry drunk •• A liar •• A cheapskate •• People that shun caffeine of any sort for spiritual or any other reason •• Pick-up lines •• Abortions •• People that hate having their picture taken and constantly stick to it •• Telemarketers •• Idolatry of any kind •• Animal abusers •• Spouses who raise their hand in anger •• Traffic and bad drivers •• A rude or otherwise loud person – minus a’million points to the boastful atheist •• Alarm clocks •• Barack Hussein Obama •• Confrontation •• People who use people •• Loose females •• Bad breath. Bad hygiene, period – only homelessness can validate this •• Terrorists •• Chewing tobacco •• Spiders •• Foods within shells •• Overly negative people •• Cheating spouses •• People who stop at yield signs •• Pain •• Broken promises •• Habaneros •• Bad grammar •• Drunk drivers •• Being sick •• People who underestimate me •• People who judge me •• The “I can top that” person •• Pornography •• Close-toed shoes •• Being financially unstable •• Extreme heat and cold •• Being alone
Long hand, short hand
As I sit here staring at a blank page, I wonder how I can have so much bottled up in me that I’d like to say but run into these blocks. Blockages, I like to call them – it just sounds funny. My life has pretty much always been an open book, and blogging does release some of the built-up tension that daily life tends to generate.
Me Time. Everyone needs it. Heck it’s mandatory in life just to maintain one’s sanity. Some people have too much, while some poor souls don’t have enough. Is there ever an instance where a person has the ‘perfect amount’?
Regroup Time. Another must-have. A branch-off of the Me Time, if you will. Just how much time is needed for Regroup Time? This surely will differ with each individual. At this point, I’m thinking my own requirements run really low on this one.
Wait Time. The amount of time allotted to yourself for another person’s Regroup Time. Once again, this differs from person to person. It could span a day, several days, a week or more. My experience would be the longer the span, the greater the possibility that a problem exists.
I’ve got plenty of Me Time. No complaints about my Regroup Time, either. These days though, I seem to be overflowing with Wait Time. I’m not sure why, really. I think it may be time to step back and re-evaluate what I should be looking for and if I may be taking things too seriously myself. With the winter months coming up I’m preparing to retreat back into my shell anyway, so I’ll have plenty of time to reach into the ole’ inner core.
Frugal or cheap?
A frugal person usually isn’t afraid to spend money. They do insist on getting the most out of their dollar, though. A frugal person always shops around for the best prices and comparable services. They often have a system in place for this since they are usually well organized people.
A cheap person won’t spend money unless absolutely necessary. When they do have to spend, oftentimes it’s become somewhat of an emergency. Lowest cost is of utmost importance – never mind the competency of service or quality of an item. They will often speak in an agitated manner about having to spend their money. Cheap people simply cannot understand why they can’t get something for free.
A cheap person in a mate is a huge turnoff. To all you cheap guys out there – if you are fearful about taking out your wallet for that once-a-week dinner you take your girl to, rest assured she’s gonna pick up on how you’re feeling. This would also bear reference to the sorry tip you left the waiter, thinking she didn’t notice. Spare her the time and embarrassment next time and just don’t go.
You can learn a lot about a person by how they act while dining out. I used to know a couple who, when they would dine out, make a habit of finding something “wrong” with their meal. This usually resulted in their bill being “adjusted” or, as I also witnessed, omitted entirely. This makes me sick to my stomach. Needless to say, you’ll never catch me out to dinner with them again.
Cheap people’s cheapness affects those around them. Frugal people’s frugality affects their own selves. (as quoted from NY best-selling author Ramit Sethi)
Manners – A Lost Art?
Please. Thank you. Excuse me. Oh, the nice things that come to you as a result of just uttering these simple words. Have we Americans forgotten our manners? I’d like to say no, but unfortunately I believe many have.
I drove up to the mountains yesterday to do a little hiking. It was obvious that our area had been hermitized for several days as a result of all the rain that Hurricane Ida brought in, because there almost wasn’t a parking place to be found in the State Park.
When we finally did find a place, we had to squeeze the car in – the SUV to the left had overrode his space. The owner of the SUV to the right was still standing by his vehicle, which we had to get pretty close to. My boyfriend rolled his window down and said to the guy, “I’m going to move it over a little” to which the guy replied “Oh, you’re alright”.
We found out pretty quick how treacherous this hike was to become, being as how it eventually led up to a waterfall. Needless to say, the waterfall reward at the end made this one the most popular of all the trails.
Once the trail started getting kind of chancy, oftentimes we would have to wait for ‘oncoming traffic’ to make their way up, or down. Can you believe there was usually an ‘excuse me’ and/or ‘thank you’ involved? As well, I would say it when people would wait on or move for us. Sometimes we were winded, as other hikers were – but we all managed to keep our manners with the ‘excuse mes’ and ‘thank yous’.
It behooves me that people can be in the middle of a freaking forest and maintain their manners, and yet forget them when out in public, such as a restaurant, grocery store, etc.
Hmm. Manners. In the woods.
A habitant of the forest.
Veterans Day
The day we’ve dedicated to honor the Veterans of our Armed Services. Veterans Day – not to be confused with Memorial Day. I have to admit, a dear friend of mine had to remind me of the difference in the two observances not that long ago – for this I am grateful.
It’s still amazing how many Americans are not aware or have repressed what they’ve been taught when it comes to what Veterans Day actually stands for. I believe people tend to assume a similarity since both observances have a direct relation to our country’s military.
Memorial Day, for which the federal holiday is observed on the last Monday of May, commemorates US men and women who have actually perished during service to our country. Veterans Day is observed each November 11. Wikipedia offers this definition for Veterans Day: A celebration to honor America’s Veterans for their patriotism, love of our country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good.
Veteran’s day began as a commemoration of the ending of World War I, the Great War – on November 11, 1918. It was originally dedicated as Armistice Day, armistice meaning ‘temporary cessation of hostilities’. After World War II, it was recognized as a day to pay tribute to all service members – then, come 1954 it was redefined as Veterans Day. Other more specific timelines exist between this, some of which I found very interesting via the link below.
http://www.history.army.mil/faq/vetsday/vetshist.htm
To all our Veterans and continued Service Men and Women, I would like to thank you – you are my Hero. I will most likely never get to meet you. I won’t have the pleasure of shaking your hand, giving you a hug or even looking you in the eye while personally thanking you – just know the continued hope I have for our country has been hinged upon your service. No words may ever express my most sincere appreciation for the freedom I have today – which is a direct result of your strength, bravery and loyalty to our country.
Motivation
The term itself is characterized as ‘the activation or energization of goal-oriented behavior’. Hmm. Goal-oriented.
How many of us have tried to put into place or restart an existing exercise regimen? Quit smoking? Cut your bills and do without certain things in order to save money or even survive? Clean out an entire room in your house…. Of course it can span a much broader spectrum, it may even branch out into relationship and child-rearing woes that need addressing. A continued lack of motivation results in more, and more, and more procrastination. To use an overused term, it’s a vicious circle.
Often you hear people speak of the need to get motivated. Something that sounds so easy can be one of the absolute toughest things to do in life. I struggle with it on an almost daily basis. When we get into a really deep slump, sometimes even thinking about making positive changes just seem too strenuous.
This is where having a goal comes in handy. Not an unattainable goal, either – something that is within your reach and realistic. Start small – you can’t fail if you start out with something ridiculously easy. Having a goal to push for is the key, and like many other things in my life, it’s taken me a while to come to this realization.
Try not to pay attention to the things in life aren’t going to matter tomorrow anyway. Avoid the people with negative energy who try to suck the life out of you. Accept and embrace the fact that you will sometimes fail. And live, love and laugh as much as you can. Emphasis on the laugh. 🙂
The Long Lost Journal
The night I found it, the contents that I read kept me awake. I had placed it back in the box I found it in, along with some old pictures, planning to keep it buried. The era was 1991-1992. Oh, my simple little young mind. Still in the beginning years of what turned out to be a 21-year marriage. Everything seemed so black and white back then.
There were a handful of poems I’d written in the journal, a short one I would like to post today. It was written for my daughter, who was not quite four years old at the time. I remember writing it, my heart swelling with love as I’d glance over at her. I recall wondering how she would look when she was older, what she would end up doing professionally, who she would marry. Somehow, I knew even back then her strength would know no bounds.
Her and I had a conversation a couple nights ago that reminded me just how mature she is for her age. She mentioned the time when she was still with her now ex-boyfriend, who she loved more than life itself. She told me, “Mom, I know he’s a great person – just a bad boyfriend.” Even at her young age, she was strong enough to let a relationship go because she knew it was destructive for her. She recognized patterns of behavior that weren’t acceptable. Could I, would I have been that strong at 21 years of age? Obviously not. I’m convinced that strength comes in spurts, and at different times in your life. Mine was just saving up ’til now.
My Julia….
It seems so many years
Since the day when you were born
I’m blessed I feel, as I recall
there will come many more.
You’re more than I ever asked for
So innocent and true
Already my dreams are answered
If there’s nothing else you do.
Believe me, bug, that when I tell
My dreams of you to some
They know, as I, that you’ll succeed
That you’ve already won.
(2-27-92)
Sunday Mornings
Mmmm. Waking up on Sunday mornings. Albeit alone – I’m healthy, the sun is shining, and I’ve got a brand new toasted bagel with honey cream cheese on one side and butter/grape jam on the other. Life is good.
What does it take to be thankful? A look around you. Here’s just a little piece of my own view.
The forest I overlook. Okay, the leaves are going away quickly, but it’s so beautiful. My precious cat who is playing under the corner of the bed hoping I’ll be over there momentarily to make it (and I will). The gorgeous sun shining brighter by the minute, getting ready to top the trees. The warmth and true home feel of my apartment, my little tree house in the sky. The long hot shower that is waiting for me whenever I’m ready. Having a job. I’m so thankful for that job…. Food. Drink. My family, who supports me endlessly, especially in those moments where I temporarily forget to be thankful. A good car that gets me to and from where I need to go. A cellphone, a computer – even in today’s world those are luxuries that many don’t have! Clothes to wear – never mind that there’s nothing new in there, that’ll come later. My piece of mind. Oh, that’s so important. My own mind, that for once, I possess control over. Music, the beautiful endless music. The seasons. I do love each of them, all four have different meanings to me. The ocean – that while I cannot touch or see at the moment, I can visit in my mind whenever I want.
The sun just topped the trees. It spills through my windows and bounces off the crystals, casting rainbow prisms everywhere.
Yeah. Just take a look around.
The United States of the Offended
I’m one angry individual this morning.
Fort Hood. The sense of it. An avoidable tragedy? I don’t even know where to start on the subject, or even if I want to start. It would almost seem like a disservice to not say something about it….
I don’t really care how others see or take my views – I want to make that perfectly clear. I don’t CARE if I offend anyone. What in holy hell is our military thinking by employing, or retaining employment of, a terrorist?? With all the documented statements he’s made – and I’ve done a lot of reading this morning – what the hell made everybody keep quiet?
Has America been silenced this damn much? “Oh no, don’t say that… it might offend…” Do you think this man, Nidal Malik Hasan, worried about offending anyone with his views and statements? Which turned into horrific actions because no one wanted to OFFEND him?? This has obviously become an ‘Anything Goes America’. To everyone, that is, except Americans.
Does the term 9/11 mean anything to anyone anymore? There is not a day in my life that goes by that I don’t think about it. Sometimes I may even dwell on it a little too much – but brother, I’ll take that dwelling any day, as opposed to letting it fade away. Go ahead, call ME miss misery. Remind me in my dreams Dear Lord, every night if you must, but never let the memory of that horrible event fade from my mind.
God help us.
November Sun
While it doesn’t provide quite the warmth and energy of the May/June sun, hey – it’s sunshine. So I’ve been contemplating blogging for a while now, but worried about continually having something to write about. Guess I’ll see as time passes whether anything interesting enough to blog about actually happens.
My little corner of the world exists in southeast US, a little over 3 hours from the coast. Of course if I could have my way, it’d be closer. The ocean has my heart and is where my soul resides. All in all though, 3 hours away is not that bad.
I won’t be making this first one long – my work calls me back. For now, let us be thankful for the earth and sky, the chance to love, and this beautiful thing called life.
Life of Bon 
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