To each his own. To me my own.

Posts tagged “Funny

Back for seconds, Di¢# I mean Rick?

It’s one of my very favorite things in life. No beef please, my barbecue must be of pork status, thankyouverymuch. Although I have a few local favorites, my top pick would be The Woodlands located in the Blue Ridge mountains of Blowing Rock, NC.

If you’re ever in the area… hit ’em up. Be sure and tell ’em I sent ya. (Bonnie who?? Oh yeahhh… that girl who drains an entire bottle of sauce and empties a roll of paper towels each time – gotcha.)

Hailing from the Carolinas myself, I simply have to go there. Ya just gotta love that new method of earning votes. Hey, I’m sure there’s a master plan in there somewhere. (choke-snort-snicker)

Don’t listen to him, folks. Our barbecue will absolutely rock your world. As far as roadkill – it’s seems obvious that ole’ ®ick has had a helping or two in his lifetime, since he’s now expert enough to compare it to our pork.

Back for seconds, Rick? Here’s your warm southern welcome.


How much can a Koala Bear?

I got a good belly-laugh from an email I received tonight. I checked it out, and like the other good ones I found that different versions have circulated for years. Snopes does report that it seems to have originated with the below Australian version, around the time of the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney. Regardless of the origin or authenticity of it, it’s funny stuff!

It’s my dream to perhaps one day visit Australia. It’d be a long trip, so better start savin’ my money now…

Below are some of the tourist inquiries that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via their website, and the replies back.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water. 

Q: Which direction should I drive – Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth – to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)

AExcellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.

QCan you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh,
forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions. 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… oh,
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, immediately after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. 

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.


Ode to a Grown Man

I’d like to eventually have/make more time to spend on reading other’s blogs. It’s something I really enjoy, particularly the ones of those who take their own precious time to comment on mine. With all the stuff I’ve had going on with moving, work and the likes of everything else, my hope is to get settled in soon and do just that – consistently. I’m amazed at the talent that each of you have – whether it be through writing, arts, or a combination of both. It inspires my own desire to do better. I thank each of you for that.

In updating my blog roll tonight, once again I had heavy thoughts of a certain individual in our blogging world. This is someone that I miss very much – known as Grown Man (as self-referred, GM). It’s for this reason I chose to profile Grown Man in this post today. If you’ve never visited his blog, why not hop on over and read a few excerpts. Click the ‘list’ link for more options. I can guarantee you’ll have to break yourself away from it.

Grown Man has not posted since November of 2010. Prior to that, his fairly frequent posts were eloquent, vivacious and packed full of wisdom. Although geared mainly towards the male genre, his content inspired males and females alike. His own hilarity paired with common sense insight on the male psyche made for some darn good reading and entertainment… not to mention education. He remained ever-kind in his replies, to which he always gave. I’ve always been a sucker for that kindness trait. The love he had for his wife was evident, not exactly spelled out – rather something that was apparent between the lines. I deeply respect his writing style.

I do worry about what may have happened to him, at the risk of sounding silly. Did he meet a dreadful fate… or did he abandon it for a chance of a lifetime, moving on to a bigger and better thing? I’ve googled to no avail to find out what might have happened, having noticed his twitter feed has also been abandoned. He had the potential to be HUGE, and was already getting there fast. Over 188K hits with less than 80 entries – this thing grew pretty quick, my friends. It’s obvious by reading the comments on his last post that his readers really miss him.

I’ll continue to have Grown Man appear on my blogroll because I prefer his legacy to live on, even if not ongoing. I agree with one of the last commenters who stated, appropriately: We miss you, Grown Man. 

Grown Man’s Blog (or, just click the picture above)

Footnote: Even my Keith enjoyed reading GM’s posts, and he’s not usually into reading blogs unless he’s coerced into reading mine, cough-cough. 🙂


The white-assed bee

Keith really entertains me with his love for nature. Early last spring, it was a little box turtle he rescued from a job site that came home to live with him for about 4 months. The little thing was such a carnivore! Keith would diligently go out and ‘fetch’ him worms, and the tiny little turtle would just ravish them. ‘Autobot’ was later released in a nice little pond-like area.

When the time comes, which is soon – there will be black snakes a’plenty. Let me say right up front that I am not a snake person, not even close. This said, upon hearing my screams, Keith will go pick up said snake and transport it to a nearby tree. I personally think these snakes adore him – I say that because one climbed up to his kitchen window to get another glimpse of him last spring. Of course I got a picture of it!

They call him… the snake whisperer.

As it happened, this past weekend was to be insect weekend. From the front porch K motioned for me to come look through the storm door. He was holding a dragonfly, it’s little legs wrapped tight around his finger. He told me it was still a young one (obviously my understanding of the dragonfly aging-process needs work). K’s eagle-eyes found Junior on the ground and said he would be in danger if he got caught there during the looming storm.

And what a storm it was to be. Never in my life have I seen anything larger than quarter-sized hail. Saturday though, we got Kansas hail – baseball-sized. We happened to make national news with this one! I shall call it… Carolina Hail.

I guess I should realize by now, my man doesn’t exaggerate… he just doesn’t have it in him. Chuckle if you want to on that – but I can guarantee if you call him on something he tells you, you’ll lose. I quite simply adore this wonderful trait he possesses.

When I arrived at his house Friday, he told me about this carpenter bee who was running around with a white ass because of him. Carpenter bees are territorial and like to ‘hover’ – add to that the fact that they’re huge. K had been painting some louvered doors outside, and apparently this one wanted to hover in his face. After several failed attempts at rerouting the bee, he inadvertently swiped at it with the paintbrush in his hand. He said it sped off down the street. About an hour later, the bee showed back up at his house, sporting a white ass! Doubting Thomas over here asked if he was sure it was that exact bee, and did it really have a white ass. He calmly said yes, it was that bee and yes, it did.

The next day, we were ready to leave and he pointed up in the air beside him, laughing. Sure enough, said bee turned 90º to look at him (like the snakes, even the bees seem to love him – even after being swiped by a loaded paintbrush) and sure enough it had a white ass! Not just a dot, either – a genuine big white bee-ass! Come yesterday, it’s still guarding that section of the house. My stomach is literally sore from laughing at that, umm-hmm, particular end of the bee.

Sorry for the language, but it’s Keith’s story and that’s what he’s called it from the beginning. It just gives more ooomph to the storyline. Seriously, would a bee with a white butt be funny? Not so much. But a bee with a white ass? Now that’s hilarious…

Are you kidding, of course we got a picture!

Footnote: for all you insect-lovers… no bashing, please. Mr. Carpenter is alive and well, and doing a marvelous job of guarding his assigned spot on the side of the house. In this picture taken Monday 11 Apr, he’s actually hovering above the bricks, as Keith followed him around to get a detailed picture. As of yesterday, the remaining paint looks as though it’s ready to flake off any minute – I only wish we could’ve gotten a shot when his whole, umm, rear, was white!


It’s the Little Things… that get discontinued

It really is the little things in life that I appreciate the most and seem to please me to no end. Bear with me on this for just a minute.

When I find something I really like, I stick with it. No use fixing something that’s not broken, I always say – take for instance my anti-bac. For years now, I’ve been an avid user of the ‘waterless’ smell-good foaming pump anti-bac by Bath and Body Works.  (Note empty bottle to right.) This little 3″ smell-good pump generally lasts me around six months, for which I generally have backups on-hand when the time comes to replace.

Except this time.

So off I go to hit the local Bath and Body Works store on the way home from work… with the addition of my custom BBW Bon-Blinders so I may leave the store with only the anti-bac and nothing else additional.

Now where oh where is my foaming anti-bac? I noticed the newfangled little pocket gel-pacs that require lots of shaking, squeezing and patience to get anything out of… but not my easy little one-squirt smell-good pump. To my dismay, the saleslady informed me they were discontinued, then even proceeded to knock the ‘old’ product by saying ‘they leaked’. I told her in all my years of using, one had never leaked on me. So go knock on my product with someone else, lady.

I went home, checked their website and ended up ordering a slew of them online. Gotta love that online ordering! Mind you, I will have more than several ‘backups’ on hand once they arrive… all lined up in a smell-good rainbow-colored array.

It’s the law of Bon, I swear… if I like something, it will be discontinued. My favorite brand of Clinique foundation fell victim just last month. Prior to that, my favorite Lean Cuisine meal.

Hey Bon, would you like some cheese with that whine??


Why you should never ask favors from Graphic Designers

I received this little ditty this morning and found it more than worthy of reposting. Being in the profession myself, I find it mega-amusing… enjoy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Shannon (the secretary) has lost her cat and has asked David (the graphic designer) to help with a ‘lost’ poster. Below is their email correspondence…

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi,
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. Missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks
Shan.

========================================================================================================================================

From:David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news.
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.

========================================================================================================================================

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

========================================================================================================================================

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don’t like cats. Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David.


========================================================================================================================================

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. It looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

========================================================================================================================================

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It’s a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.

========================================================================================================================================

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

========================================================================================================================================

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don’t come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David.


========================================================================================================================================

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

========================================================================================================================================

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

========================================================================================================================================

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

========================================================================================================================================

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don’t have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend’s cat for a week after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David.

========================================================================================================================================

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

That is not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

========================================================================================================================================

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says “I haven’t seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?” you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
Regards, David.

========================================================================================================================================

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

========================================================================================================================================

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


========================================================================================================================================

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

========================================================================================================================================

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


========================================================================================================================================

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

======================================================================================================================================== From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


========================================================================================================================================

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

========================================================================================================================================

😀


The tickle factor

I do love to laugh – always have, and always will. At anything and everything… whenever appropriate, that is. I’ve never been the kind of person who will giggle at anothers expense, though; like when someone trips, falls out of a chair, etc. Guess I just never found humor in a situation that had the potential of embarrassing another individual.

Last night my guy and I found ourselves in a discussion on being ticklish. Not actually tickling, just discussing it. 🙂  So it seems that the older we’ve gotten, the less ticklish we’ve both become. Has anyone else run into this?

Even in my twenties, I was very ticklish in many many areas. But now… well you really have to catch me on a good day to implement the ole’ tickle factor. Unless, of course, it occurs during a romantic moment when I’m trying to remain serious. Yes, it does seem to only happen a ‘whim’ nowadays. This seriously saddens me!

There’s already a shortage of laughter in the world. But to see yourself losing that every-faithful ‘auto button’… well, let’s just say I’m taking that one pretty hard.


Gripes©

No one likes a person that constantly complains. I like to refer to them as ‘downers’, because let’s face it – unless it’s done in humorous fashion, it does bring you down. Sometimes though, you just need to get things off your chest. Things you might normally let slide or roll off your back on a daily basis can mount up and come out in a very bad way if you don’t unload every once in a while.

So, gentle readers, be forewarned that today will be my bitch day. Hey… I’ve done a ‘things I love’ blog before. It’s only fitting that I have a ‘things I hate’ one…

  • I hate running across people I call ‘provers’. These people basically need to have whatever you tell them proven right then in order to believe you.
  • I hate when I say something about a restaurant that I went to the night before, and a downer is listening and informs me that they don’t have any food in their cabinets.
  • I hate when I pay extra for a Marie Callendar’s frozen entree for lunch, and the contents ends up being smaller than that of a Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice.
  • I hate the fact that apparently I’m the only person at work that has the expertise of changing a toilet paper roll. I’ve tested this theory several different ways on many occasions.
  • I hate when a stranger 20+ years your elder brazenly uses their age as an excuse to advance ahead of you – and I’m not just talking about lines.
  • I hate when a guy believes certain chores are not made for them to do.
  • I hate when a guy postpones vacationing, even a simple 2-day beach trip – then suggests tagging along with his mother for the weekend on her trip.
  • (Red flag)
  • I hate when a guy suggests hopping on your cellphone plan, and you blog about how much that bothered you – then the next night he tells you he’s hopping on his mother’s plan.
  • (Dark red flag)
  • I hate when normal grooming habits are forgotten or ignored. Everyone I mean everyone knows how I feel about this. Enough said.
  • I hate when an otherwise enjoyable trip to a local Japanese steakhouse is thwarted by patrons who believe your space should include their conversations and children.
  • I hate when my financial situation is prejudged by another, as in “you should be doing okay now that your car is paid off”.
  • I hate when people have trouble addressing a problem and end up just letting it go without confronting and/or attempting to fix it.
  • This list will most definitely be continued at a later date. Until then… thank you, dear readers, for the unload.

Wednesday isn’t a fish

My stylist cancelled out on me yesterday. I was disappointed, but understood. Her son had not completed the necessary credits to graduate high school, and come graduation day (yesterday) it hit her hard – she was just crushed. I can only imagine how she felt. So, I will go Friday instead to get the ‘hair did’.

Here’s a little Wednesday humor (thanks Christen)

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

“Hey, how much you charge by da hour, sister?” he asks.

“$100,”  she replies.

In broken English, he says, “Do you do immigrant style?”

“No” she says.

“I pay you $200 to do immigrant style.”

“No,” she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

“I pay you $300.”

“No,” she says.

“I pay you $400.”

“No,” she says.

So finally he says, “OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style.”

She thinks to herself – well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now. I’ve had every kind of request from weirdo’s from every part of the world. How bad could  immigrant style be?

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, “Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?”

The illegal immigrant replies, “You send bill to Government.”


Friday yet?

No material today, so thought I’d throw in a laugh or two. Hopefully.

Poor fella. Wish I were him.

Mind your manners.

You GO, studmuffin.

Caption already noted.

This guy gets my vote for ‘funniest face of the year’.

The last end-result of the catastrophic Gulf oil spill.