To each his own. To me my own.

Hide ‘yo Crazy

Being a fish out of water is just not my cup of tea. I still find myself holding the perpetual empty jar in the ongoing quest to find my ‘niche’. One word – awkward. Having already gone through this once 5 years ago, I realize I’ve never had a ton of patience in the area of self-discovery. I second and third-guess every single thing I do and say. I’m quite unsure of myself, to say the very least – it’s a very unsettling feeling.

It seemed easy to lose my own sense of self in a long-term relationship – in which case, I mistakenly assumed was forever. I surrendered every bit of myself to a man and, subsequently, assumed a portion of his persona as my own. No matter whose fault a breakup is, the hurt and anger that ensues afterward simply has to be dealt with, and there are many ways of dealing. After a certain amount of time passes, I think it’s natural (I hate the word normal) to crave some form of human connection. Recently I’ve found myself venturing outside my comfort zone and conversing with a few friends of the opposite sex. Although I think they’ve gone well, my own inner core remains stone-cold and untrusting. While half of me hopes this little issue remains undercover, the other half screams defiantly, “I don’t [expletive] care!!”

I seem to have the innate ability to over-analyze something as simple as a pineapple. Miranda said it best…


10 responses

  1. Kim

    Bon – You are doing great! I’m been sitting her for over 18 years alone. But I’m working hard to get myself in a place where I can not be by myself anymore.

    March 7, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    • Thanks Kim! We just need to remember it’s out there for us. You deserve the very best!

      March 8, 2013 at 8:10 am

  2. I’m a fellow niche searcher and over-analyzer. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.

    March 7, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    • Thank you for your comment, Macnevma. Yes, it’s always a huge comfort to know we’re not alone in our search!

      March 8, 2013 at 8:11 am

  3. ~Mom

    One thing I know .. everything takes time. Rome wasn’t built in a day, like they say. I really think it will take time anyway, to come back from of all you have been through .. but you will come out stronger. Love and prayers.

    March 7, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    • Thanks Mom – had another pep-talk from a wise man this morning here at work. I believe God brings angels to us sometimes in human form. Time really is the key. xo

      March 8, 2013 at 8:13 am

  4. It is natural to go through a rollercoaster of emotions. Disappointment I am sure will feature often. Good luck, hope you find the courage to start dating and enjoying life soon.

    March 9, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    • Thanks so much, GB. Your kind words and understanding mean a lot to me. 🙂

      March 10, 2013 at 5:59 pm

  5. Self discovery is a journey that never ends. But that is what can be exciting about it, I think. It’s never a straight shot, I’m afraid. There will be twists and turns in the road, sometimes making us feel like we’re running in circles. But rest assured, it’s usually in a forward trajectory. I think, though, that you will discover how strong you really are. And who among of us hasn’t taken the detour into the town called Wacko now and again? Incidentally, I know all the best bars in that town, if you ever want to know.

    March 10, 2013 at 8:11 pm

  6. Helen Reynolds

    I feel your pain sista! My last breakup just about put me over the edge and I didn’t think I was going to be able to live without “D”. I stalked or I should say WE stalked each other for months and he STILL rides by my house sometimes. It took about a year to be able to hear his name and not become a puddle on the floor! My problem is I CAN’T hide my crazy and I think because of that I get over heartbreak faster. But even so… it can still take more time than we would like for our hearts to feel truly ours again. I think you already know your niche, but do not know how to get to it. One Day At A Time sweet lady. You have friends who care alot about you and I know I pray for you daily. Just open your mind and let it show you the way. Love you Bon!

    March 15, 2013 at 8:54 am

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