As I sit here once again pondering life (mine, not others), the word ‘eventually’ is hangin’ around in my brain. It’s a pretty cool word actually, if you really think about it…
Eventually. The definition varies from source to source. “Finally, at a future point in time” or “in the course of time”, and “at an unspecified later time: in the end”.
All things eventual.
I generally see positive in the word. All things bad will eventually come to an end. Eventually, I’ll get that boat I’ve always wanted. I feel like crap, but I know I’ll eventually feel better. I know all my hard work will eventually pay off. The sun will come back out eventually. Eventually, this oil spill thing will be fixed. (Are we still calling it a spill?)
NOT ‘If keep drinking like this eventually my liver’s gonna fail me.’
Promise. Hope. Yeah – that’s how I see it.
I recently resolved myself to the fact that I wouldn’t write anything if I didn’t have anything to talk about. I don’t like to hear myself talk that much. So….
Here’s my little poem for the day.
I want ☀
Instead I have ☂
I’ll give you the ☽
If you’ll put me on a ✈
Okay, I should’ve quit while I was ahead.
I often wish I’d started blogging a while back. Then again, if I had, it would’ve been the most boring drawn-out process of arriving at the point I’m at now – which is happy. Yes, money is more than tight, referencing yesterday’s rant… but I am happy.
About a year and a half ago, I wrote a few blogs on another site. This site isn’t public and I’m thinking of closing it down soon, so I wanted a ‘storage bin’ to house a couple of them. I’m thinking my current blog would be a good storage choice. Rereading them just now, I once again stumbled upon what I was so desperately searching for from the very beginning…
The Quest for Happiness.
Guess I need a refresher course every now and again… So, go ahead – make the jump. But above all………. be happy.
Friday, April 10, 2009
A Good Life
Life is good.
Simple words, aren’t they? Actually these three words can branch out in so many directions and mean so many things. Right now I’m partial to what they symbolize to me.
Which is, the ultimate realization that I am happily independent. It’s taken me a while to say that with some enthusiasm, but man oh man – what a great feeling it is to finally get to know, and actually like, your own self.
And finally being able to say…. ‘I did it’. While smiling.
The forever analyst that I am, I’d find myself constantly searching for the flaws in my own character that might have led up to or even caused the ending of my old life. It took me a while to realize that until I embraced my own self, gave myself some actual worth, that I would in fact be alone in my new life. You absolutely are how others see you. Might be sad – but this is fact.
Being off work on a holiday, getting up and having the day with which to do exactly as you please, no one to answer to…. though a rarity, how glorious is that? There are so many people confined in a tempestuous or otherwise unhappy relationship that dictates their every move, even on a day off from work. Actually, days off are usually even more trying if you’re in a relationship that’s gone south. I sincerely remember.
This morning I do my usual cleanup of self and house – then cook 2 eggs, 3 pieces of bacon, 1 piece of toast lightly buttered, add grape jam – and oh, can’t forget the OJ with lots’ o pulp. Savoring every bite sitting on my porch while looking out at all the new greenery, I thought to myself…. ‘only breakfast at the beach could top this right now’. Mr. Huge Hovering Devil Bee who’s positioned himself directly above the railing to watch me eat doesn’t even bother me.
The most simplistic things in life really are the most important. The sunrises, sunsets…. the birds building and mating in the Spring (in my hanging basket, no less). A good breakfast. Looking forward to the imminent thunderstorm. Crossing the bridge and gazing at the ‘diamonds on the water’; locking them into memory. I told a friend recently that I’ve gotten pretty good at driving a straight line on the bridge while my head is turned completely towards the lake. LOL In any case, the love and appreciation for these things will only come once you are truly satisfied and content with your own self worth. I am forever thankful for being at that point in my life.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Setting the REAL record straight
Category: Romance and Relationships
Every so often I get the urge to write a blog. Although the urge isn’t really there today, I more just feel the need to. Jot down some things that have been weighing on my mind, all related to the colorful year I’ve had so far. A year that’s made me feel failure-esque for the most part.
To try and understand how there can be so many fake people in the world is a daily struggle. What does it take anymore to be REAL? Out of two relationships I’ve had this year, both have failed. I’m not saying that I’m totally blameless. What I am saying is that both of these individuals happened to not be ‘real’.
Though a world different in all other areas, both individuals had this one little trait in common. Neither were genuine – neither were real. They both were masters of disguising theirselves as someone they were not. Whether it’s covering up something of grave importance (case #1) or leading someone to believe you lead a life that doesn’t really exist, along with hidden anger issues (case #2) – the simple fact remains… YOU AREN’T BEING REAL.
I realize it’s better to know sooner rather than later. At the time, it did make me wonder why I even bothered to put myself out there. Was there something about me that attracted this type of masqueraded personality? Was I really that gullible? Or did I want to be loved so badly that I was turning my head to the obvious? After much thought, I’ve decided to suspend the search for the answer – instead moving forward with slightly more ware on life this time.
Recently I’ve reconnected with someone who has showed me that there are still real people in the world. This person has also dealt with a not-real someone in their own life for many years. It’s been helpful and healing to share our experiences, and realize that we aren’t so alone in our quest to find someone out there that is genuine. Although we’re still in the early stages of a relationship, I can say that through him, I am slowly learning to trust again. That guard is still somewhat in place – as I’m sure his is too. We’d both be fools not to, right?
I don’t believe in tooting your own horn – I consider it the epitome of boastfulness. For this reason, there are times when I avoid talking about a subject that even hints at the fact I think I’ve done well at something. If asked, I will talk about it – but even then I’m uncomfortable discussing anything that may be self-beneficial or even deserving of an ‘atta girl’. Not that there’s much in this area to discuss anyway, even if I wanted to.
See? I’m doing it already. To even write that paragraph was hard as hell, and for whatever reason it still doesn’t read right to me.
Now that that’s been said and out of the way– I received a very touching email from a friend the other night. She had caught up on a couple of my blogs and wrote to give me the most sincere compliments on my writing. I answered her with the most humble of thank-yous that I could muster up, though truth be told, I felt very undeserving. One thing I do know, and shared with her – is that writing is most definitely my passion. I realize that no one is perfect at any one thing they do, and categories exist for a reason. There are professionals, there are novices and there are amateurs – with me falling into the latter.
I won’t say this is the first time I’ve heard such a compliment, because it’s not. I will say it always makes me smile. What I’ve done is form a little folder inside my brain that houses these sweet little admirations, which I revisit and peruse every so often when I’m feeling less confident in myself. Truth is, I just love to write – and currently this blog is my outlet. It quenches, for the time being, my thirst to write on a daily basis. To all persons out there who have this same passion, I think you’ll agree with me – it is truly a ‘thirst’. Having a career in writing (getting paid) has always been a dream of mine, it’s just always seemed a little far past my reach. Of course, I realize that one must possess dreams in order to ever achieve.
One of my very favorite books is called On Writing – A Memoir of the Craft, written by none other than Stephen King. The book is special to me in that it not only details specific formulas/dos and don’ts for writing in itself, but also provides an early biography of King’s childhood. Once finished, I will never forget that omnificent feeling of I could do this… I really could do this. Now I don’t care who ya are… that’s powerful stuff – from an awesomely powerful book.
“A little talent is a good thing to have if you want to be a writer. But the only real requirement is the ability to remember every scar.” ~Stephen King
Anyone who knows me knows what a sucker I am for a good writer. Yesterday I happened upon a piece that made a huge impact on me. I’ve since researched it to find not only are there many variances of it, but the author to be unknown. That’s a real shame, because this brilliant composition deserves to be credited with a name. Another variance of the title I found is ‘A Time Comes In Your Life’. I believe the original to be ‘The Awakening’. Please take note that I did not write it.
This piece stands further apart from just about anything I’ve ever read. I relate on a personal level with virtually all of what is written. This is really good stuff… hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.
You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.
You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.
You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that “alone” does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you learn not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
A good friend of mine, who also happens to be a coworker for many years now, recently asked me about blogging and my thoughts on it. She has so much she wants to get off her chest that she thinks writing a blog might be the very venue she needs. It took me all of two seconds to tell her yes, I believe it’s an excellent tool to serve as that release valve. As we continued our conversation on the subject, I realized there’s one thing that seems most appreciated by everyone that blogs – the fact that it belongs to you. Within these walls, you can talk about whatever the hell you want to talk about – as long as no one gets hurt. I certainly wouldn’t list names of any of my friends or family on here, or discuss my work (other than stating, as I have before, that I love and appreciate my job and the people I work with). And umm, those of you who actually know me realize this is not me being a suckup, it’s just fact.
In my (short time of) blogging, I’ve written about politics (an all-time fave, though it always heats me up), relationships, world news, pet peeves, giant peeves, loves and hates, holidays, my childhood, celebrities, finances, weather, you name it. Yes, it IS a giant release. If you don’t believe me – try it!
I do have high hopes that my friend will start one.
I received the ‘story’ below via email from my Dad just a few minutes ago. Once I read it, I immediately had my hand set on the ‘forward’ button and thought, nahhh… this shit’s good enough to *insert here* in blog. So, that’s just what I’m gonna do.
Hope you enjoy it as much as I did. (Or, if you’re a dem, loosen up and acquire a little laughter out of it. Seems to be a shortage of that these days.) Pay attention to the color coding… it’s hilarious.
2009 – a colorful year it’s been for me. In addition to my love for the ocean, there’s actually a hidden reason behind why I chose my particular banner picture, which I pasted a copy of below.
Those who know me know that my ‘word of the year’ chosen to represent 2008 was Monumental. 2008 was my year of change, a change that required an extreme strength and perseverance – the type of strength I thought never could exist in me. For this reason I believe the word Monumental to be ever so fitting for that year.
I find it just as fitting to associate the word Colorful with my year of 2009. In this little rainbow prismatic year of mine, I’ve basically created a complete series of making mistakes and learning from them. But never mind the mistakes I’ve made, or the repercussions from them – I still have to look back and smile, at all of it. I’ve come to realize how I’ve grown and have been made a better person now, by just having been associated with some new people that came in and out of my life.
I look at it this way. 2008, the last half of it anyway, started out as a shockwave. Fast-forward to sorrow, self-pity, and finally moving into that godforsaken lonely empty feeling. As I moved into 2009, the search was on. For what… I didn’t know. I was however reaching out for something, with arms wide open. I found that, like a butterfly who had just discovered her wings, the world was mine for the taking. The territory left unchartered was endless. So many opportunities, and so much lost time. Nope – the objects I landed on weren’t always in my best interest. I’ve taken much from these experiences though – through weathering the storms and learning some pretty hard lessons. I’ve found that it’s how we react and learn from our mistakes that will determine our success in life, or lack of it.
Hmm. Can’t help but wonder what my word of 2010 will be.
It seems like everybody else is doing one of these, so I figure why not me? Yeah, yeah you say… if your buddy jumps off a bridge are you gonna do it too? To which I respond, of course not. But maybe if I was guaranteed a soft landing, and the ride down looked enticing enough…..
Things I Like:
That first good whiff of a clean towel when I get out of the shower •• Daydreaming •• The smell of the beach, every little smell •• Seashells •• When a baby smiles at me – it’s the purest thing you’ll ever see •• Wrigley’s 5 gum •• Being told ‘I love you’ •• A very cold can of diet coke •• Fresh flowers •• Well-written love stories •• Time off from work •• Photography •• The first sip of a freshly opened bottle of white merlot •• The ocean, the lakes, the rivers •• Sunrises and sunsets •• Naps in the afternoons •• Big bright windows •• British accents •• Smeagol/Gollum •• Nostalgic moments •• Butterflies •• A few moments of true belly-laughter •• Payday •• Animals – and people who love them •• Flip flops •• Naturally funny people •• Hugs and kisses for no reason at all •• Long hot showers and baths •• Character •• The smell of fresh cut grass •• Writing •• Elderly people •• Annual Saturday sheet changes •• Jalapenos •• Rainy Sundays •• Witnessing a romantic moment •• Dissecting my dreams •• Gentlemen who hold the door open for me •• Finding God in unexpected places •• Manners •• Music that corresponds with my mood •• Witnessing acts of kindness •• The open road before me •• Sleeping in on weekends •• People-watching, minus the creepy •• Singing •• Baking during Christmas •• Being alone
Things I Dislike:
Drama of any flavor •• Parents that are bossed around by their kids •• An angry drunk •• A liar •• A cheapskate •• People that shun caffeine of any sort for spiritual or any other reason •• Pick-up lines •• Abortions •• People that hate having their picture taken and constantly stick to it •• Telemarketers •• Idolatry of any kind •• Animal abusers •• Spouses who raise their hand in anger •• Traffic and bad drivers •• A rude or otherwise loud person – minus a’million points to the boastful atheist •• Alarm clocks •• Barack Hussein Obama •• Confrontation •• People who use people •• Loose females •• Bad breath. Bad hygiene, period – only homelessness can validate this •• Terrorists •• Chewing tobacco •• Spiders •• Foods within shells •• Overly negative people •• Cheating spouses •• People who stop at yield signs •• Pain •• Broken promises •• Habaneros •• Bad grammar •• Drunk drivers •• Being sick •• People who underestimate me •• People who judge me •• The “I can top that” person •• Pornography •• Close-toed shoes •• Being financially unstable •• Extreme heat and cold •• Being alone