To each his own. To me my own.

New Year, New Beginnings… Part IV

I’m well past the time I normally post this little entry as I do at every year’s end. With each coming year, I pick a new word to try and sum up the prior year in a nutshell.

In case you missed it in priors years’ posts, here’s the rundown. 2008 was Monumental. 2009 was Colorful. 2010 was Serene, and 2011 was Transitional. The word I picked for 2012 was Disclosure.

I guess I was dead wrong in last year’s post when I said ‘this butterfly has completed her journey’. I have not. In fact, it would appear the journey never ended, and indeed is far from over.

I wanted the fairy tale ending. Can’t blame a girl for that, can ya? Even though fairy tales rarely if ever come to fruition.

The commitment I so yearned for is not to be. Over the last year I’ve heard a spectrum of excuses ranging from the somewhat believable to the absolutely ridiculous. You may remember I didn’t want to open my mouth to begin with, but with year after swift year passing, what else is there left to do? Just as I thought, as soon as I allowed those sweet thoughts to pass my lips, I felt less-than. Less than the woman I’d worked so hard to uncover – the woman who’d previously remained unknown, even to myself. I, as a whole, had immediately been lessened.

He just wasn’t ready. His job security was unforeseeable. He’d set a (silent) 5-year mark for himself before ever contemplating a commitment to anyone. He’d known all along about my wishes but avoided the issue. Why is it so important to you – it’s just a piece of paper, after all. Our exes names still remain on both our mortgages. You’re like a kid wanting candy. My credit didn’t go through. I was gonna wait until your birthday.

Like a kid wanting candy. Gotta admit that one burned.

I have to take blame where blame is due. I should never have given up my home and moved in with a man, in his house, in hopes for a commitment. I didn’t and don’t approve of living this way, and I know right from wrong. I went with my heart instead of my gut instinct, and we all know love is blind. That’s my bad.

I will have a home of my own again soon, planned for the beginning of February. After 3 1/2 years I have much healing to do and feel the need to once again find and complete my inner Bon. Being single isn’t so bad. Being in a relationship with someone who has no desire to make you a permanent fixture in their life is a bad feeling.

Here’s to 2013 and the goodness it may bring to us all. And always remember change can often be a good thing.

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17 responses

  1. Disclosure – I want it for the megabanks and megacorps who the present administration will not prosecute. There’d be true revolution if we knew it all.

    January 6, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    • Whole ‘nother post, right Carl? Miss you much.

      January 6, 2013 at 9:34 pm

      • Judy Hiner Rummage

        Oh, Bon….miss you on FB. Remembered this site & came to see what was up. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out….my heart goes out to you. I’m not on twitter, but I think this will post my email address. Would love to stay in touch with you. Please email, or call any time. Hugs & love!!! Judy

        January 16, 2013 at 12:46 am

      • Judy Hiner Rummage

        Didn’t see where it showed my address, so it’s jrummage@earthlink.net

        January 16, 2013 at 12:48 am

  2. Oh, Bonnie. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I’m actually in the same boat as you.

    2013 will be wonderful! Someone told me the odd years always are. =)

    January 11, 2013 at 7:58 am

    • Thank you Thoughtsy. Always scary starting over – but I’ll get through it. Cheers to 2013! 🙂

      January 17, 2013 at 10:14 am

  3. My dear Bon, sometimes ugly things happen to beautiful people. Do we sometimes joyfully skip into a situation, while ignoring the “you know better” voice that merely whispers warnings to us out of fear that a full throated plea might make us lock it away in that dank, emotional cupboard we check only once or twice a year? Sure we do. But hope and optimism are two very powerful things that can allow us to open ourselves up to possibilities that we may otherwise have intelluctualized our way out of. If we don’t stop and explore the exciting “what ifs” in life as they come, we may be destined to mournfully ruminate over the “what ifs” of our past.

    January 15, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    • Oh Dave, I so appreciate your kind words of encouragement. You’re so right, very few worthwhile things come into our lives by sitting back and waiting – we must go out on a limb sometimes and just take the chance.

      January 17, 2013 at 10:17 am

  4. Ang

    You are the strongest women I know. God is within you and will be your strength. XOXOXO

    January 16, 2013 at 9:14 am

    • Thanks Ang… that’s a title I feel very unworthy of, but does make me feel better. Thank you for that – love you.

      January 17, 2013 at 10:18 am

  5. Judy, thank you hon. I rarely write on here anymore, though I may pick back up on it soon. I felt compelled to cancel my facebook, but I didn’t get to tell everyone first – so I kinda went ‘poof’ like a poot in the wind. I appreciate your kind words. Once things get settled after the move, I’ll give you a shout. xo

    January 17, 2013 at 10:22 am

  6. Hey Bonnie it’s Chrishelle from Cheer Mama Drama. Thanks for your thoughtful words on my site. I have to tell you don’t give up hope. I was one of the lucky ones who found her soul mate in her late teens-early twenties period of her life. Nathan and I had only known each other a short while, but after our first date as we were saying our good-byes I told him you need to go ahead and buy me a ring cause ya know we are going to get married. Less than two months later we were engaged and only a few months later married. We just celebrated 20 years last week. I will be praying for you to find that soul mate, because when you find someone that completes you it’s a beautiful thing. Oh yeah, and good for you for sticking to your morals and refusing to live together. Explored a little bit and must say you are a very complex writer, enjoyed.

    January 26, 2013 at 6:54 am

    • Thanks so much for your kind words, Chrishelle. You’re right, it is a beautiful thing to find your true soulmate. For now, I think I’ll just sit back, relax when I can, and try to clear my head. Above all, we need to love ourselves. I’ve got to get that back. xo

      January 27, 2013 at 8:57 am

  7. ~Mom

    And you will .. just wait and see. Better days! You will always be in my prayers.

    January 27, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    • Thanks Mom. And a big Happy Birthday to ya (again)! See ya in a little while. 🙂

      January 27, 2013 at 12:32 pm

  8. Kim

    I just read your latest post and started looking backwards. I’m so sorry Bon.

    February 16, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    • Thanks so much, Kimmie. Sorry I’m just getting this comment – I’d not checked my spam folder lately and some comments had inadvertently made their way in there. xo

      February 20, 2013 at 1:32 pm

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