To each his own. To me my own.

Wayside

I guess I need to see a doctor about getting on a regular sleep-aid or something. Insomnia drives me crazy some nights, where I’m up for hours just lying there. During these times my brain goes into a sort of activity overload where I’m thinking of anything, everything, and all things in-between. I’ll even ‘create’ scenarios rectifying other scenarios – as crazy as I know this sounds. My best friend and I have discussed this and I take solace in the fact that she does it too, so there’s probably more than the two of us out there.

Sometimes I hate dreams… sometimes I love them. Last night I just desperately wanted to escape it. I’m convinced the dream I woke from is what initiated the insomnia last night and into this morning. I abhor such dreams, because they represent my deepest and darkest fear – our own homeland security.

All but a few fragments of our Pentagon had been destroyed by terrorists. To no one’s surprise, the weapon used for the destruction was two planes. For some reason I was just learning of the attack the following day, and people were shocked I didn’t know. In describing it to me, I got a play-by-play ‘visual’ of the attack by others – in other words, it was like they put me back in time for it and I witnessed from above what the officials did and how they reacted.

Apparently they had five minutes knowledge that the planes were coming. I was positioned in a birds-eye view from overhead and watched them go into action – desperately moving delicate equipment, all containing material of a most sensitive nature. Our nation’s STUFF. To see these people, roughly one hundred, take that kind of action was unbelievable. I know it was a dream, and this isn’t how it would really transpire – but they were all moving so fast and in sync, it was nothing short of amazing. There was so much equipment that I kept thinking ‘no way will they ever get it all done’. I watched what resembled worker ants move at light speed until I saw a huge flash of light and the disintegration was apparent. In my dream, there were over one hundred lives lost. Our nation’s internet protocol immediately went into lockdown so there was no way of accessing anything online. The entire country was in complete chaos. The dream ended there.

It’s no wonder that I was up for hours after this dream. This dream won’t come as any shock to those who know me, who know how I feel about 9/11 and that it’s pretty much fallen by the wayside in terms of remembrance. It’s not fallen by the wayside for me, and never will. There is not one single day I don’t think about that most fateful day in our nation’s history. Not one day. I’ve said it many times before, I’d rather have nightmares about that day every night of my life than to let it fade even slightly from my memory. And I still mean that.

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7 responses

  1. duke1959

    Have you considered a sleep study?

    January 23, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    • Bonnie

      I actually haven’t. I’ve heard a little bit about them through the years, but knowing me I would probably use work as an excuse to not participate. 🙂

      January 23, 2011 at 2:15 pm

  2. I had a period of insomnia when I was on a drug that I wanted to get off taking. The insomnia wasn’t from the drug but from not taking it. I finally got off the drug and sleep returned. I don’t know what is causing your sleeplessness, but I hope your sleep will return to you. Nights were soooo looooong when I couldn’t sleep. Blessings to you, Bonnie…

    January 23, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    • Bonnie

      I’ll bet that made for some very trying times, those sleepless nights. Yes, they can be very looong, for sure. My main beef is those ‘thoughts’, almost an overload of them, stemming from all kinds of categories. It’s crazy, really. Maybe one day I’ll ‘tame’ them. The insomnia hasn’t been going on long, so it’s probably fleeting. I hope. The dreams, well they’re just a part of our lives.

      😉

      Blessings, dear Carol Ann…

      January 24, 2011 at 7:47 am

  3. Helen

    9/11 will always be one of “those” days, one were you will always remember what you were doing when you heard the news. For me “those” days were the day Lennon was killed, the day the space shuttle blew up and 9/11. On the day of 9/11, I was at the airport, in a room upstairs {big room with tv} filling out papers, you see, it was my first day of work and it was far different than what I thought it would be! The room I was in had glass walls, so I could see everyone running around in a panic. As I watched this, a few people ran into the room and turned on the TV. All of us watched in horror as the second plane few into the second tower. At that point the place really went nuts! Phones ringing, cell phones ringing and people crying, like me, we were in shock. I hope that I never feel or see anything like that again in my lifetime! I have always had a fear of flying and I’ve only flown once to go out west, but after 9/11 you could not pay me enough to fly again. It’s just not gonna happen! Since I have to deal with PTSD I can see it in others. You my friend, do have it. Some think that you have to “be there” to fully have PTSD, but thats not true. PTSD for some is mild or like me, life changing. It is a REAL condition and requires time to work through it. It’s not an easy thing to do, since you have to relive or “rehash” what it is, that scared you so much. If you can’t work in out yourself, then you may need to see a “Pro”. As for not sleeping…my brother,sister,Destiny, Karen, Jason, and Dakota have sleep issues. My father never slept more than 2 hours a night. I have learned that if I can’t sleep, I need to get up. The worse thing you can do, is to stay in the bed and toss and turn. I too have a problem turning my brain “off”. It just goes and goes and I think about things I did in jr. high!! I have been through about every sleeping pill on the market..why you ask…none of them work on me! They don’t work for any of my family that takes them either. Now, I am on a sleeping pill, but it doesn’t put me to sleep, it turns my brain off so I can go to sleep. It’s Lunesta and if your sleep doesn’t improve, you may want to try it. Good luck with everything and I hope you’ll find the sandman soon! 🙂

    January 24, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    • Bonnie

      I simply cannot imagine being in an airport during 9/11. That had to be horrible. As far as PTSD, I’m not sure if it would fall into that category or more or a ‘maddened’ state of terror. I’ve been angry about it since it happened, and I have even been told I dwell too much on it when I talk about it more than I ‘should’. I just don’t want anyone to forget the lives that were shed. I also realize, as we all should, that it could happen again at any moment. I don’t mean I live my life in fear – I’m just always aware. I feel like if we forget the terror of that day, then we let our guards down.

      Thanks for the advice of the med!! I’ll certainly keep that in mind as I’m going for a follow-up for my BP condition tomorrow. Love you Helen, xo

      January 24, 2011 at 4:50 pm

  4. Helen

    Like you, I believe we should never forget what happened, but for many 9/11 is something that happened to others. It CAN’T happen again or to me. Oh, yes it can! For most americans that day has become a distant memory for many reasons. 1. We are raised to believe America is untouchable. That “we” can defeat anyone who is stupid enough to attack us. 2. For all of the children who were born after 9/11 or were too young to remember or understand what happened that day, it’s just something that happened along time ago and it won’t happen again. We as Americans, have a false sence of safety. It can and if we do not change, it will happen again. 9/11 should have taught us that we are not untouchable and we can be beaten, but for most, it’s just easier to bury our heads in the sand. I have to be honest…with all of the crap I was put through as a child, 9/11 is not at the top of my list of fears. It’s not something that I think about on a daily basis, but rather, something that is always lurking at the edges of my mind, waiting for the right time to show it’s self again. I do worry about our safety as a whole and I’m not stupid enough to believe it won’t happen again, but I can’t let the fear get a grip on me. I will never forget the panic and fear I felt that day at the airport, or the dreams I have of watching people jump to their death, but as I work through my PTSD, I have to let it be for now. At some point, I will address it and deal with it. I can tell you, that I promise to never forget what happened and my heart will always hurt for everyone who lost a loved one on that fateful day in 2001. I wish I could tell you that I promise it will never happen again, but we both know, that is just wishful thinking. Take care of yourself and I love ya!

    January 24, 2011 at 6:23 pm

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