Going Up
I’ve been going into bloggie DT’s. True I’m sitting underneath a Carolina blue sky on a beautiful day, but the yearn to post something these past few days has more than gotten to me. For some reason on Sundays I always get either really nostalgic or fall into a semi state of depression. It is, after all, the day the weekend ends and I have to go back home to my worklife daily ritual. I’m very thankful for my ritual, my job and the whole nine yards, don’t get me wrong. It just pains me to see Friday into Saturday into Sunday, end.
Short of driving up to the mountains this weekend (we knew better, it’s prime weekend for the season so we’ll just exercise crowd-control) we’re planning to ride 5 minutes past K’s house to a local mountain, not near as high as it’s lofty counterparts but shall satisfy the ole’ mountain yearn nonetheless. It’s a state park called Crowder’s Mountain, and the mountain is only accessible through hiking. The last time I was up there, I was 6 months pregnant. It was me, my husband and another couple, the other lady was almost 9 months pregnant. It doesn’t take a glance backward to see how very stupid we were for attempting to climb a mountain that far into a pregnancy, but we all made it to the very top and came out okay. Twenty-three years later, I shall attempt it again – just not in tiptop shape this time so say a prayer for me. 🙂
We covered up K’s pool yesterday, another thing needing done but I think both of us dreaded. He just smiles and says awww every time I look our beyond the patio window and say how sad it is. Soon the trees will be barren, and everything will appear dead for several months. A Spring/Summer person I am. As hot of a Summer as we’ve had… I do try and soak up every little minute we have of the warm feel and look of those seasons.
You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific…
They say it has no memory. That’s where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory.
Everyone has ‘one of those days’ every now and then, mine just happened to start last night. Whenever I have one of those days, my mind immediately drifts over to the quote department – whether that’s a conscious act or not, I have no idea. One in particular came up at work yesterday. A dear friend reminded me of a quote from a favorite movie, certainly one that will always remain on my top three list – Shawshank Redemption. And ole’ Andy Dufresne…
“Get busy living… or get busy dying.”
As many times as I’ve watched this movie, it never gets old to me. Just like The Green Mile and Forrest Gump, I have so many parts of it memorized. I’d buried this precious quote deep in my mind, perhaps only to resurrect it at a much-needed time. This movie is a wonderful lesson on reaching your full potential by overcoming life’s obstacles. Keep your eyes on the prize, and never ever give up hope on pursuing your goal.
So long, Burt
It was backed up to his apartment when I got home from work Friday afternoon – a U-Haul truck of about mid-sized length. Burt was moving out.
Burt is a nice gentleman that I met shortly after I moved here back in Spring of 2008. I have to admit I was a bit intimidated upon first impression. His clean-shaven head and tattoos up around his neck definitely had me on my guard. I’ve always tried to be non-judgmental, but admittedly there are times when I allow first impressions to put that gate up, albeit temporarily. This seemed especially so upon starting over – I had trouble trusting anyone.
Burt would always be the one in the parking lot helping another resident do something – moving, working on a car, etc. Everyone knew him by first name, and he knew everyone else’s name as well. We used to have a handicapped neighbor who resided here for years that Burt was always helping out in some way. I’d just gotten home from work one day last summer when he walked over and told me our neighbor had passed away that morning. It was obviously emotional for him.
The office staff where I live took in three full grown cats abandoned by former tenants, and paid for their care, spay/neutering and shots. They then had the task of finding them homes. They decided to keep the last one (Mr. Whiskers) as their very own in the office – and trust me, this cat has it very good. One of the other adoptive parents? Burt.
As I walked over Friday to tell him goodbye, it appeared that the move itself was emotional for him. “I’m moving back to the beach where my girlfriend lives. I don’t know… guess this whole thing makes me vulnerable again”. It kind of hit home when he said that. Committing your self wholly to your relationship – giving up your own place to live, many of your belongings, furniture – your own home that you worked so hard to build – feeling as though you’re losing, in a sense, your very own identity. I quickly shook off the Ally McBeal psycho-flash I’d just had, and told him the first thing that came to my mind. “Nothing worth having is without risk. Go for it.”
You truly were a staple of the community, Burt. Good luck – and God speed.
Choices
In this game of life, there are some things which we have control over, and some we don’t. We can choose to be kind and compassionate to people, or we can be nasty and vile. We can choose to help our neighbors, or we can hinder or block the good deeds of others. We can choose to ‘do the right thing’ – or we can attempt to break those around us.
So how do you handle a miserable existence of an individual who is so delusionally obsessed over your life and that of your loved one, that it’s become their sole objective to infiltrate it in any way possible? An individual who recruits their own family members and friends to aid in their own juvenile schemes? An individual who is greatly influencing their child with their deception and lack of moral character? I believe that this lone corrupt individual must be left to bask in their own self-destruction. I choose to neither feed nor lend energy to this hateful, dark, putrid excuse for a human being.
Because some things never change.
So I’ll tell you how I handle it. I choose happiness. My drama cup shall remain empty. I’ve made it this far, and believe me when I say I ain’t going back. I choose that bright light that our Lord promises and provides, free of charge – for any of us who are willing to receive it.
God Bless the Broken Road
I heard it again on the way to work the other morning. It’s been a favorite song of mine for a little over a year now – admittedly about how long I’ve been listening to country music.
I often wonder just how many individuals this song has affected in a positive way. A good friend of mine got married last month, and her wedding theme was based around the song. The lyrics never cease to captivate me. When life was at it’s bleakest, out of the darkness came something along the lines of a northern star… pointing me down exactly the right path, and into the arms of that special someone. The various stumbles and falls along my path were actually paving the way for another another chance at life – and at love.
I’ve always believed there is a reason for everything. We many not understand our troubles at the given time, but God is so good. He knows our hearts, our hurts, every tiny little piece of us. He will provide, if only we will place our trust completely in Him.
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did
I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I’d like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You’ve been there, you understand
It’s all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
But now I’m just rolling home into my lover’s arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Daisy Chain
The following is actually from a little over a year ago, before my blogging days. I did not write the words, but over a fair amount of time did do the compilation – written from a variety of beloved sources and wise souls. I remember at the time, I was in a sense lost – feeling alone and blissfully unaware of my own purpose in life. My arrival at this point came from a failed 21-year marriage and the quest to ‘find myself’. I was comforted by the wise words, and found myself ever-searching of them.
Running across it brought back memories of being truly alone. Of the endless search for wisdom – of knowledge of who was fake and who was authentic; and the hopeful ability to discern the difference. I’m not changing any of the content, nor the order… and I do realize it’s scattered. But at the time, so was I.
______________________________________________________________________________
My best dreams and worst nightmares have the same people in them.
What is more the benefit? To love a person that is already loved by everyone, or to love a person that is rejected by everyone?
Hugging is healthy. It helps the immune system, cures depression, reduces stress, and induces sleep. It’s invigorating, rejuvenating & has no unpleasant side effects. It’s nothing less than a miracle drug. Hugging is all natural. It’s organic, naturally sweet, has no artificial ingredients, environmentally friendly & is 100% wholesome. Hugging is the ideal gift. Great for any occasion, fun to give & receive, shows you care, comes with its own wrapping paper and, of course, is fully returnable.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
We wait all these years to find someone who understands us… someone who accepts us as we are… someone with a wizard’s power to melt stone to sunlight… that can bring us happiness in spite of trials… that can face our dragons in the night… who can transform us into the soul we choose to be. Just yesterday I found that magical someone is the face we see in the mirror: It’s us and our homemade masks.
Happiness needs sadness. Success needs failure. Benevolence needs evil. Love needs hatred. Victory needs defeat. Pleasure needs pain.
You must experience and accept the extremes. Because if the contrast is lost, you lose appreciation; and when you lose appreciation, you lose the value of everything.
Of the Seven Deadly Sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor to the last toothsome morsel of both the pain you are given and the pain you are giving back – in many ways it is a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
Forgiveness does not overlook the deed. It rises above it.
It always amazes me to see people making a decision to never forgive. It’s like trying to punish their tormentors by harming themselves. In the long run, it’s not a question of whether they deserve to be forgiven. You’re not forgiving them for their sake. You’re doing it for yourself. For your own health and well being, forgiveness is simply the most energy-efficient option. It frees you from the incredibly toxic, debilitating drain of holding a grudge. Don’t let these people live rent free in your head. If they hurt you before, why let them keep doing it year after year in your mind? It’s not worth it but it takes heart effort to stop it. You can muster that heart power to forgive them as a way of looking out for yourself. It’s one thing you can be totally selfish about.
I’ve always heard to live everyday as if it was your last. I disagree. I think you should live everyday as if it was your first, where everything is new and exciting. You try new things, and you’re not waiting for your life to end – you’re waiting for it to begin.
Your friends are your release. They’re who you have the most fun with, and yet when the going gets tough, those people turn around and suddenly they’re not just making you laugh, they’re being this rock and giving you all their advice. Even though you’re so much your own person, if you dissect yourself, I guarantee you, your friends are in there. Their influence is incredible. However rare true love may be, it is less so than true friendship.
You’ll never know how much you needed your friends until you look back along the rope and realize how many knots they tied to keep you from Falling. I don’t want someone to catch me when I fall; I want someone to stop me before I do.
Someday someone might come into your life and love you the way you’ve always wanted. If your someday was yesterday, learn. If your someday is tomorrow, hope. If your someday is today, cherish.
Walking away isn’t the hard part – it’s not looking back.
Tears are words the heart can’t say.
I tried to conquer the Universe, but it defeated me.
I tried to capture the Universe, but it eluded me.
I tried to understand the Universe, but it outwitted me.
So, clumsily, hesitantly, I tried to love the Universe,
And it embraced me.
Does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
Sooner or later you have to make a choice…leave behind your passion, your dreams – or have the strength to look past all discouraging faces and look at yourself and know that you have what it takes… and you will prove them wrong.
To love requires courage, the ability to take a risk, the readiness even to accept pain and disappointment. Whoever insists on safety and security as primary conditions of life cannot love; whoever shuts himself off in a system of defense and possession as his means of security, makes himself a prisoner.
Never assume greatness is for someone else. Imagine every day that you too can do great things. Have the courage to take the challenge, make the mistakes, and move forward. Who knows, maybe one day someone will be sharing your moment with you.
The Truth
I just noticed my daughter’s latest facebook status update. It reads, “When at night you cannot sleep, talk to the Shepherd and stop counting sheep.” Truth.
My boyfriend made me a bracelet this weekend. I watched closely as he carefully color-coordinated bead by bead on a strong leather strand. As he tied it on my arm I told him, “This is my love bracelet.” Truth.
Now I’m gonna dive deep. What is a simple definition of Truth, really… a verified fact? Conformity to reality or actuality? Sincerity… integrity? A fact, a proof?
Most of us have known one or more persons in our life that have issues with honesty, or have problems telling the truth. The ones that really get me, though, are those who are blatantly caught at something and can still look you right in the eye and lie about it – even when facts are presented.
For some reason, it always brings to mind one of my all-time favorite comedic skits. A woman confronts her man over questions of infidelity, and the man vehemently denies any wrong-doing even though he’s caught red-handed. Click here for a look… this is hilarious in a raw kinda way.
Hey…. wadn’t me….
If only everyone just knew how much the truth really means, of all it’s able to accomplish for us. That when used, it can overcome so many negative feelings or emotions. Being honest makes people trust you, respect you. It brings about a heightened sense of security in a relationship, and strengthens each of you in many different ways. When you tell a loved one the truth, it’s actually saying ‘you are precious to me and worthy of complete knowledge’.
The way I see it, the general consensus wins. Once a liar, always a liar. In my forty-two years, I’ve personally never witnessed a huge changeover in a person who has issues with being honest. That’s unfortunate, not only for them but for the persons involved with them.
The Truth. Will. Set. You. Free. Seriously? Well, yeah – I believe it will. Put it this way… I’d rather hear the truth any old day than some sugar-coat of a fakeness. It may not always be something I want to hear…. but I want to hear it nonetheless. Now I know I can’t change the world, I quit trying a long time ago. It does make for a nice dream though…
Time in a bottle
As I glanced at the calendar this morning, a wave of nostalgia hit me. Twenty-three years ago today, I got married. My first and only time.
Everything in life happens for a reason. It is true that time tends to change things. People change, and grow, in different ways – sometimes in two completely opposite directions. The product of that union is a wonderful young woman. A woman who has set out to enrich the world with her beauty, charisma, honesty, knowledge, love of God, and heart of gold.
Her name is Julia Christine, and I thank God every day for her. She is by far the biggest blessing ever bestowed upon me – and I’m sure her father feels the same way.
Instead of dwelling on how long the storm lasted… remember how good the breeze from it felt. ~BM
My favorite full moon
The full moon arrives tonight at 5:06pm EST. I was reminiscing last night about my very favorite ‘whole moon’ ever, which is what I used to call them as a child.
I was an eleven year-old girl, and we were vacationing at the beach for a week. My uncle had rented a oceanfront house for us located at the very end of the beach – a very private and exquisite place. I remember my mother, grandmother and I being taken aback and feeling like royalty.
One night, Mom let me walk out on the beach alone, barefoot in my little silk nightgown. There happened to be a full moon on that night, and the incandescent light flooded the ocean and the sand in a most beautiful way. It was the brightest night I ever do remember, and the sand appeared white as snow.
You know those blinding diamonds the sunshine makes on the water? The moon made them too; only they were of a different hue and vibrancy – matte white diamonds highlighted solely by the big white moon. As I walked along the shoreline with my nightgown flowing in the breeze, I imagined what it would be like to be a grown woman. I glanced down at my feet every so often to make sure they were still touching the wet sand, like it was a dream that I would wake up from at any time. That night, I was in front of the most beautiful ocean I’ve ever seen – to me, the beauty of that night hasn’t been matched since.
I remember thinking ‘if I could just stay here – in the moonlight on this seashore, for the rest of my life… I’d be happy’. Rather odd thinking for an eleven year-old child. As I look back though, I realize that was the place and time where my love for the ocean really started. I mean true love… and true appreciation. From then on, our seas and all of it’s inhabitants have remained just as mesmerizing to me. It’s the one thing in this world that still remains magical to me… no matter how old of a child I grow to be.
Welcome back, whole moon.
My Brightness
Whoever first told me life gets harder as you get older sure knew what they were talking about. I believe it was my mother. We live in an age of a failing world (okay I know that sounds drastically morbid – but it is, let’s face it). We’ve done so much damage to the environment that it’s irreparable, with the continuance of damage ongoing still – today, tomorrow, next week, next year. The economy sucks, and people are struggling financially. The entire world is crime-ridden and it seems even more so in the US. Too many people have lost their religion, that is if they ever had it to begin with.
For these reasons it makes me that much more appreciative of the soul that has come into my life. My brightness. The person who actually makes me better. Brighter.
It all started last July 29th when we started messaging each other (I still have every email correspondence we’ve ever sent). Our first date was August 1st. Man, were we ever both nervous. I’ll never forget coming down those stairs and seeing him leaning back against the hood of his car… lookin’ so cool. 🙂 It’s one of those memories that I hope never fades with age.
No one is perfect – but I’m so beyond perfect that it’s hilarious. I have so many little quirks and eccentricities that need tweaking. I get agitated and worked up easily. He keeps me grounded. I frequently find myself trying to accomplish too much and freaking out when my goals aren’t met. He is teaching me to take life slower. We both have trust issues when it comes to relationships, and have since learned that it’s okay to let our guards down with each other. That in itself was a feat that took some time – time that we look back on and smile at now.
Yep, we’re getting older all right. But that’s not always a bad thing. After all, if we’re lucky enough, we might can capture a little wisdom from it. The kind of wisdom that allows us to be appreciative of the best things in life – that which is right in front of us.
Hats off to second chances….
New Year, New Beginnings
2009 – a colorful year it’s been for me. In addition to my love for the ocean, there’s actually a hidden reason behind why I chose my particular banner picture, which I pasted a copy of below.
Color.
Those who know me know that my ‘word of the year’ chosen to represent 2008 was Monumental. 2008 was my year of change, a change that required an extreme strength and perseverance – the type of strength I thought never could exist in me. For this reason I believe the word Monumental to be ever so fitting for that year.
I find it just as fitting to associate the word Colorful with my year of 2009. In this little rainbow prismatic year of mine, I’ve basically created a complete series of making mistakes and learning from them. But never mind the mistakes I’ve made, or the repercussions from them – I still have to look back and smile, at all of it. I’ve come to realize how I’ve grown and have been made a better person now, by just having been associated with some new people that came in and out of my life.
I look at it this way. 2008, the last half of it anyway, started out as a shockwave. Fast-forward to sorrow, self-pity, and finally moving into that godforsaken lonely empty feeling. As I moved into 2009, the search was on. For what… I didn’t know. I was however reaching out for something, with arms wide open. I found that, like a butterfly who had just discovered her wings, the world was mine for the taking. The territory left unchartered was endless. So many opportunities, and so much lost time. Nope – the objects I landed on weren’t always in my best interest. I’ve taken much from these experiences though – through weathering the storms and learning some pretty hard lessons. I’ve found that it’s how we react and learn from our mistakes that will determine our success in life, or lack of it.
Hmm. Can’t help but wonder what my word of 2010 will be.
Banner picture for 2009
Christmas pasts
No, I didn’t spell it wrong, or mis-phrase it. The way it reads just makes more sense to me. Not Christmases, or Christmases past. But rather the many ‘pasts‘ that stick out in my mind whenever I think of Christmas.
Barringer. A brand new pair of shiny black patent leather lace-up boots from my uncle and aunt. Came all the way up to my knees, they did. I laced ’em up right there on the couch as soon as I unwrapped them, my family laughing while my uncle videotaped me. Back then, these videos landed on movie reels. That same year in ’73 I got a jewelry box slammed full of jewelry…. I felt like a princess with all that bling. A princess with mega bling and shiny black boots. I didn’t know it at the time, but the pattern of my taste in life was forming, even then.
Collingwood. Mom and Mammaw had both worked that Christmas eve. Still in her uniform, Mammaw was so exhausted that she laid down in the floor right underneath that Christmas tree. My uncle, Mom’s youngest brother, trotted in with many bags and a huge stuffed dog that was taller than me. That dog ended up being mine, it was too big to wrap. Every year he would go out on Christmas eve and to do his Christmas shopping, hauling the load in at the last minute for Mom and Mammaw to wrap up. That night, Mom laid down with me to get me to sleep so that Santa could come. She fell asleep with me, and Mammaw decided to let her sleep. Later that night, through the bedroom window, I saw my Mammaw and uncle dragging a new bike in for me – to Bon, from Santa. 🙂
Old Dowd. A box FULL of new books. Not any old box – I’m talking a box of epic proportions. There must’ve been 40-50 new books in that one box. The Little House on the Prairie collection, several Tom Sawyer adventures, Little Women, and so many more that I can’t remember. I recall sleeping with some of those books that night, the smell of fresh new books was intoxicating. It was an awesome gift that I enjoyed for many years, from my loving Mama.
Hartford. Ham and lots of goodies to eat. Great uncle J talking with no one listening. My first pair of designer jeans, Calvin Klein himself embroidered on the rear pocket. They were too small and had to be exchanged later, but it was official – I was now cool. Maybe not in my peers eyes, but definitely in my own! Archie, the family dog, gets to experience his once-a-year visit inside the house – much resembling the running of the bulls with the addition of a red Christmas bow stuck to his head.
Ever notice the memories of your childhood Christmas pasts usually involve the gifts you received? The ones that made the biggest impact on you often stick in your memory like glue.
Sloan. My Mother’s boyfriend. I wasn’t so sure about this guy…. didn’t think his intentions were quite up to par with what I knew she deserved. Besides, who did he think he was trying to horn in on our family time? I go my own way, where I want, when I want. Hell I just moved back in from being gone for almost a year, and this guy’s practically running the show. Then again, my Mammaw seems to like him. Mammaw’s a pretty good judge of character, and she’s rarely wrong. Hmm, he gave me a stereo for Christmas. This guy may not be all bad. I’ll just have to keep my eye on him.
Fort Mill. My precious little baby girl made out like a bandit, and I’m so glad. Christmas is different now, somehow… I can’t quite put my finger on why, but know enough to realize it involves the newest part of me – my baby daughter. So THIS is why they say that children make Christmas. I have a family of my own now, added to my existing family, plus my new extended family – that of my husbands. Wow, this holds promise of getting a bit hectic. But hey, that’s Christmas! Oh, and that boyfriend of Mom’s? He’s now my stepdaddy, and pawpaw to my baby girl. And a fine job he’s doing at both.
Abbey/Village Lake. Blessed Christmases. Always blessed, always getting way more than we deserve. It’s not necessarily gifts that stick out in my mind now, rather it’s the multitude of bounties our families bestow upon us during Christmas that seems to always catch us up. We all truly have an abundance, thanks given to our families and God. Okay, there is one time around this era where gifts really do stick out. That would be the Christmas when my husband accidentally threw all his gifts away.
Scarlet. Mammaw’s sick. Really sick. She insisted on getting through Christmas without a hospital visit, but this was a bad idea. She can barely breathe, both her face and body are really swollen. Congestive heart failure is what it ends up being – little did we know then. Fast forward to another Christmas. Pawpaw isn’t feeling well. He’s trying to deal, but running a fever, thinks it’s the flu. It might’ve been the flu then. But it wasn’t the flu that caused his heart to fail in front of us two weeks later.
Poplar Forest. New house, and so proud to have Christmas here. Much has changed in past years, we have two who are no longer with us and are reminded of that pain especially during the holidays. Baby girl is continuing to grow into a fine young lady – downside of this is gifts are getting much harder to pick for her. My most memorable gift – my wedding ring set that my husband had reset from yellow into white gold, given to me on Christmas eve. Little did either of us know then of what was to come in the near future.
Hamilton’s Harbor. I have only one Christmas here, so far – but in a couple of weeks I’ll have two, and with that more memories made. The one Christmas here consisted mainly of my past memories. This can be a good thing, as well as being detrimental – but I have to remember that every single thing we’ve experienced and endured in our lives shapes the person we are today. You either learn and grow… or you let it defeat you. Things change, life changes, and we must go on.
‘God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.’ ~James Matthew Barrie, Scottish dramatist & novelist; best known as the creator of Peter Pan
Life of Bon 
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