By the Light of the Full Moon
How do I start this, I sit here and wonder to myself. Do I even want to write about it at all? Not really. Do I need to? Probably. Problem is, my fingers don’t want to do the talking either. What the hell am I afraid of writing? Hello out there… brain to fingers – get to moving, babies. I need to get this out.
More ‘stuff’ over at the old house to go sort through. When my ex contacted me about it last week, I thought there was maybe just a bag or two to pick up. It was this time about four years ago when we were busy ‘splitting’ stuff. We stayed busy ‘splitting’ for months on end – after all, you do tend to accumulate a shitload throughout twenty-one years. So we split, split and split some more. When the emotions would get too high, we’d quit and start up again the next day, splitting again. I remember the pictures were the hardest – boxes and boxes of them.
I thought everything had been done. Nope… there’s more. Let’s go take care of it – it’s Goodwill or bust, ya know.
I’ve only had to go back over to the house a handful of times during the last several years. I don’t like driving through the neighborhood. I don’t like going down the street. I do NOT WANT to go in the house, as my daughter insisted on today “Mom, Dad knows you’re gonna be here to go through this stuff – I told him and he’s okay with it.” And so I commenced inside, where neatly stacked in her old room was a good-sized pile that came from the attic. Old baby clothes, stuffed animals, my old knitting materials, some outdated clothes, a few things that belonged to my grandmother, some of my old toys as a kid, all the missing Halloween decorations, and cards. If I failed to mention it before, I do not like going through cards.
Just when I think I’m a step ahead of the game, a day like today comes and knocks me back down a notch. Reminds me that I might not be as strong as I think I am. Was. Whatever. I must swallow the fact that I will forever have these demons, I’ve just realized they aren’t going to go away. What is it? No matter, for what’s done is done. My biggest demon? Failure. Still haven’t moved past that effing failure thing.
Through the years, I’ve learned a neat little trick. I can usually disguise the funk with a smile – on a good day, maybe even season it up with my boisterous laughter. It’s a trick my Mammaw taught me, albeit unconsciously. Ordinarily, it works. Until I’m alone. But that’s what matters, right? It’s just enough to get ya through a tight spot, when someone might be looking. Alone… well, you’re just that. On your own.
I guess the passage of time really isn’t all that when it comes to healing, or growing, or progressing, or whatever it is they say you do. I realize there are good days and bad, for all of us. As for me, I’m just thankful for that huge smile I was born with.
Life of Bon 
Deep thoughts are very hard for me to write about too .. especially thoughts about failure, endings or personal grief. I have read and also been told this little phrase .. ‘time heals all wounds’ .. In my opinion, it doesn’t. Time only makes those things easier to bear. Great blog.
January 10, 2012 at 6:19 pm
I can always depend on you to understand, Mom. Thanks for your unconditional love and support.
January 11, 2012 at 7:15 am
Your words tear at my soul. Life experiences that evoke strong emotion such as divorce or death often feel as fresh as when you first lived them. Learning from these life lessons is growth, repeating them is failure. Hugs, love and prayers, sweet friend.
January 10, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Our experiences weren’t so different, were they E? I remember back to those days just like yesterday. In a lot of ways, I think they’ll always be fresh. ‘Learning from these life lessons is growth, repeating them is failure’. Great words of wisdom, my friend. Thanks for the encouragement. xo
January 11, 2012 at 7:18 am
I failed at many things . Succeeded at things at which I thought I would fail. Failed relationships is particularly scarring I think. But I am not intimidated by the possibility of failure. One example is that I ran for office here in Miami in 83 and 85. Had no chance. They crucified me in press and media. I do have a dark past. I got 26% of vote both times . The next few administrations implemented every proposal I offered during the campaign. I am not afraid to face an audience and the TV cameras and know how the reporters of the newspapers misrepresent everything and am fairly polished and inured for this type of stuff. I know what to do. Did I succeed or did I fail ? In any event I was not a spectator. I was in the arena, main event. I ran for president of my senior class in 1966. I promised I would always serve the school. I lost by 34 votes out of 1,120 cast but I never moved away from the community and was a teacher in the area for 33 years and at the end of my career at my alma mater. I said “I will always serve the school.” I lost the election but kept my promise and everyone won because of that. I think not participating at all is where the real failure lies.
January 10, 2012 at 10:32 pm
One hell of a powerful and inspiring resume Carl – I’m more than impressed. Sometimes my thinking out loud doesn’t read right to me the next day, but oh well. ‘I think not participating at all is where the real failure lies’. That’s sage advice, my friend. Thank you.
January 11, 2012 at 7:24 am
If only we didn’t have failures but we do! and that’s ok because we learn from them, we become stronger and in the end success outweighs them. You had your daughter from that marriage – big success! A smile works wonders. Keep smiling, you’re not alone!
January 11, 2012 at 5:30 am
You’re right Vix – my daughter is definitely my biggest success ever, and I thank God for her every day. I have so much empathy for the long hard road ahead that long-term marriage endings face. I like to think I’ve helped one or two people who have went through similar situations recently. Aside from past experience, I wish I had the education backing me to counsel some of the ‘fresh’ ones. Maybe one day. 🙂
January 11, 2012 at 7:32 am